What a weird entry to add to my blog. I never expected everything would happen so fast. You see, I'm having a lazy evening..... errrrr, well it's almost midnight. I'm in my bed, sipping on wine and listening to the newest tunes on MTV. Blogging. And I'm excited yet fretting about the move I'll be making this Saturday. In 4 days!!!
My girls and I are moving from what has been our family home since Boo was 7 months old!! To where we brought Punky home from the hospital. Where Boo took her first steps and Punky is damn near close to doing the same. To where my mom and stepdad stood in the front foyer and announced and showed me her engagement ring!!! A few memories among more. Not a ton but enough to get you running down memory lane.
It's always those few good memories that hold us back from doing what needs to be done. Husby..... who we will now call The Ex... The Ex and I just weren't happy together. The fear of being without each other held us together, not love. What a sad realization to come to.... Watching people around us holding hands, kissing, saying their I love yous, sharing the parental duties, getting engaged/married, etc etc etc, always brought tears to my eyes but never in the way I wanted (out of joy and happiness for those around me), but out of sorrow for myself, the sadness that I would never experience these things and pure jealousy! I felt so JIPPED! As a little girl, I looked forward to that fairy tale love. Finding Mr. Perfect for me. Finding that person that makes me feel so special and that I'd give my all to make him feel like a king. Somebody who would hold our precious little babies close to his heart. Read them a bed time story instead of watching the evening news. Etc. Etc. Etc. Didn't happen.
At the end of the day, I don't think there is a bad guy here. I really believe we are just two very different people. I love our children. I know he does too. We just show love differently. I'm a very emotional, hands on type of loving person. I put those dearest to me before myself. I have more patience for the ones I love and can bite my lip until it bleeds. The Ex.... A ticking time bomb. And not in a way that he's going to blow up and destroy the world.. But the kind of bomb that is well... always ticking. His mind is always going. He's always thinking of the next thing to do. He stresses 24/7. But don't be fooled... When things come to a head as they will.. He explodes... Not just a little pepper bomb but Hiroshima! It's ugly.
Time with the kids is a few minutes of play. 5 minutes is for them.... 23hrs and 55mins is for everything else in the day. See what I mean? Just two very different ways of doing things.
I like to play (I'm not an airhead, I get plenty of time for down time and think time....), aside from work tho, and hockey... he likes to sit and think.
Saturday doesn't just mark the day that I become a single mother..... yikes... Or the killer fact that I'm leaving the life I've known and am dragging my kids from that life. But it also marks the first time ever that I have my own place. I live by myself, with my little kids. I'm the adult. I pay the bills. I make the decisions. I have to not only take care of myself but I have two precious little babies looking to me to give them the best of me, the best of life. And I will. 110% isn't good enough. I need to go beyond that.
I hope that The Ex finds peace in his life... I want him to be happy.. I truly believe that the three of us, the little ChickeeeTrio will find these things. I just so badly want everybody to be happy, find love, find happiness, live up to our dreams!
.... The end.
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